From my personal experience and people I know, most people like to avoid controversy and people who have spoken about controversial topics. People dislike controversial issues. I would argue that controversy is what makes someone unique and is where they shine as an individual. It creates DNA for the individual. I have included a chapter about constructive controversy here (pp.69-91).

The idea behind constructive controversy is that someone benefits from it more than avoidance or debate. A lot of people have a mentality to keep things locked up. I have seen situations like that completely ruin relationships and blindside one of the two people in the relationship. This has been at work, in my personal life, in social circles, and you name it. I can’t tell you how many times that I have heard something along the lines of, “I don’t speak to so and so anymore because they believe in or support ______.” Someone ends up experiencing the cold shoulder or is ostracized in a heartbeat without even knowing what really happened. Aside from alienating themselves over time because there is no one left to talk to, people often spiral into a cycle that it is difficult to escape from.

If you disagree with someone, a viable option is to ask why they believe or support a certain thing. Drawing lines in the sand is not a great option. Over time, less and less people step across. It is not good for society as a whole. You could even calmly let them know that something upsets you or makes you do a double-take. Where I come from, people are even taught to avoid controversy by their parents, educators, and bosses. However, in the end, quietly drawing away from people may even have a negative effect on you later. You won’t be able to ask someone for help or find people willing to do things with you. I will also say this. If certain issues are so extremely polarizing for you, giving someone a fighting chance is most definitely a better option for you and the other individual.

Part of the reason that people feel or believe as strongly as they do is because they are not willing to talk to others. People avoid the controversy and end up avoiding the individual. Civil dialogue is important in society, and it is important in leadership as well. With a taboo framework, people create taboo-ridden schematics and structures. People also feel like they have to draw a line in the sand because of what other people “might think” if they find out they are still associating with someone. I think that it can be healthy to a certain extent to avoid people or situations, but it is not as often as one might think it is. If someone is running up and down the street in their underwear screaming while wearing tin-foil on their head, I wouldn’t blame others for avoiding them. The question is this. Why are people willing to avoid anyone in the same way if a certain difference of opinion or philosophy is encountered?

Also, a person can only hold so much in before something happens outwardly or some release needs to occur (which usually results in collateral damage). It is much better to speak with people civilly than to explode on them one day. The other issue is, if dialogue is being avoided, things will literally never be discussed or be better. In society, we need to stop encouraging the avoidance of controversial issues, learn to better get along with each other through discussion, and find the mutual respect we should have with each other. People also want to understand themselves and find the place where they should be. How is that ever going to happen if they don’t embrace who they are? Constructive controversy allows someone to express who they are and build a connection with another. I leave you with this question.

Is there some sort of controversial issue you can currently work through to benefit yourself and another?

-Ryan